Makes Ben Hur look like an Epic!

Well, how’d you become king, then? Well, we did do the nose. Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot! It’s only a model.

Sir Lancelot

Bring her forward! The nose? Burn her! The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.

  • And this isn’t my nose. This is a false one.
  • What do you mean?
  • Well, how’d you become king, then?
  • Shut up!

I’m not dead!

I have to push the pram a lot. But you are dressed as one… I have to push the pram a lot. On second thoughts, let’s not go there. It is a silly place. I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now leave before I am forced to taunt you a second time!

I’m not dead!

Well, how’d you become king, then? I dunno. Must be a king. Well, I didn’t vote for you.

  1. Well, we did do the nose.
  2. Well, how’d you become king, then?
  3. Be quiet!
First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin

You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! Well, I didn’t vote for you. The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. It’s only a model.

Lost Boys

I’m really more an apartment person. Hello, Dexter Morgan. Tonight’s the night. And it’s going to happen again and again. It has to happen.

Let’s Give the Boy a Hand

I’m real proud of you for coming, bro. I know you hate funerals. Watching ice melt. This is fun. Like a sloth. I can do that.

  • Somehow, I doubt that. You have a good heart, Dexter.
  • I’m a sociopath; there’s not much he can do for me.

Slack Tide

I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo. You look…perfect. I am not a killer. Tonight’s the night. And it’s going to happen again and again. It has to happen. I’m doing mental jumping jacks.

Seeing Red

Under normal circumstances, I’d take that as a compliment. Rorschach would say you have a hard time relating to others. I’ve lived in darkness a long time. Over the years my eyes adjusted until the dark became my world and I could see. Tell him time is of the essence.

  1. Under normal circumstances, I’d take that as a compliment.
  2. Finding a needle in a haystack isn’t hard when every straw is computerized.
  3. I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo.
Hello Bandit

I’m partial to air conditioning. He taught me a code. To survive. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece. And I’m not even sure what the picture should be. Keep your mind limber.

Beauty and the Beast

I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone before. I will not kill my sister. I will not kill my sister. I will not kill my sister. I’m a sociopath; there’s not much he can do for me. Tonight’s the night. And it’s going to happen again and again. It has to happen. Tonight’s the night. And it’s going to happen again and again. It has to happen.

Dex, Lies, and Videotape

I’m partial to air conditioning. I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo. Oh I beg to differ, I think we have a lot to discuss. After all, you are a client. I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo. I’m thinking two circus clowns dancing. You?

  • I’m really more an apartment person.
  • I’m thinking two circus clowns dancing. You?

Let’s Give the Boy a Hand

I’m a sociopath; there’s not much he can do for me. I’m partial to air conditioning. He taught me a code. To survive. Pretend. You pretend the feelings are there, for the world, for the people around you. Who knows? Maybe one day they will be. I am not a killer.

Living the Dream

Keep your mind limber. I have a dark side, too. I’m Dexter, and I’m not sure what I am. This man is a knight in shining armor. Finding a needle in a haystack isn’t hard when every straw is computerized. Hello, Dexter Morgan.

  1. He taught me a code. To survive.
  2. I’m Dexter, and I’m not sure what I am.
  3. Hello, Dexter Morgan.
Do You Take Morgan?

You’re a killer. I catch killers. Somehow, I doubt that. You have a good heart, Dexter. Watching ice melt. This is fun. You look…perfect. I’m real proud of you for coming, bro. I know you hate funerals. I am not a killer.

Amy’s Choice

I am the Doctor, and you are the Daleks! Did I mention we have comfy chairs? They’re not aliens, they’re Earth…liens!

The Next Doctor

Sorry, checking all the water in this area; there’s an escaped fish. *Insistently* Bow ties are cool! Come on Amy, I’m a normal bloke, tell me what normal blokes do! Did I mention we have comfy chairs? It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool. Did I mention we have comfy chairs?

  • I am the Doctor, and you are the Daleks!
  • Did I mention we have comfy chairs?
  • Aw, you’re all Mr. Grumpy Face today.
  • Annihilate? No. No violence. I won’t stand for it. Not now, not ever, do you understand me?! I’m the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm – and you basically meant beat them in a football match, didn’t you?
  • I hate yogurt. It’s just stuff with bits in.

Cold Blood

Aw, you’re all Mr. Grumpy Face today. No, I’ll fix it. I’m good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister. No, I’m the Doctor. Don’t call me the Rotmeister. Saving the world with meals on wheels.

Amy’s Choice

I am the last of my species, and I know how that weighs on the heart so don’t lie to me! I’m the Doctor. Well, they call me the Doctor. I don’t know why. I call me the Doctor too. I still don’t know why. Stop talking, brain thinking. Hush. Annihilate? No. No violence. I won’t stand for it. Not now, not ever, do you understand me?! I’m the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm – and you basically meant beat them in a football match, didn’t you? No… It’s a thing; it’s like a plan, but with more greatness. No, I’ll fix it. I’m good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister. No, I’m the Doctor. Don’t call me the Rotmeister.

  1. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.…hey.…the good things don’t always soften the bad things; but vice-versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.
  2. It’s art! A statement on modern society, ‘Oh Ain’t Modern Society Awful?’!
  3. You’ve swallowed a planet!
  4. Did I mention we have comfy chairs?
The Lodger

I hate yogurt. It’s just stuff with bits in. You’ve swallowed a planet! I am the last of my species, and I know how that weighs on the heart so don’t lie to me! Saving the world with meals on wheels. Did I mention we have comfy chairs?

Afternoon delight

I’m a monster. As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn’t like his trailer. I’m afraid I just blue myself. I don’t criticize you! And if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.

Mr. F

Whoa, this guy’s straight? Well, what do you expect, mother? I’ve opened a door here that I regret. There’s so many poorly chosen words in that sentence. Say goodbye to these, because it’s the last time!

  • Michael!
  • We just call it a sausage.
  • Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn’t like his trailer.
  • Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn’t like his trailer.

Ready, Aim, Marry Me

Oh, you’re gonna be in a coma, all right. Army had half a day. Now, when you do this without getting punched in the chest, you’ll have more fun. Well, what do you expect, mother? But I bought a yearbook ad from you, doesn’t that mean anything anymore? Steve Holt!

Exit Strategy

Steve Holt! Marry me. No! I was ashamed to be SEEN with you. I like being with you. Marry me.

  1. I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.
  2. He’ll want to use your yacht, and I don’t want this thing smelling like fish.
  3. That’s why you always leave a note!
Let ‘Em Eat Cake

I’m half machine. I’m a monster. That’s what it said on ‘Ask Jeeves.’ What’s Spanish for “I know you speak English?” I’m a monster.

That’s Lobstertainment

And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who’s gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet. Would you censor the Venus de Venus just because you can see her spewers? No, I’m Santa Claus! Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? …To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? …To shreds, you say. Check it out, y’all. Everyone who was invited is here. Can we have Bender Burgers again?

The Honking

And remember, don’t do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to, in which case, for the love of God, don’t not do it! Is today’s hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Calculon is gonna kill us and it’s all everybody else’s fault! It’s okay, Bender. I like cooking too. Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news! I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though!

  • For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist!
  • I don’t ‘need’ to drink. I can quit anytime I want!
  • No. We’re on the top.
  • Our love isn’t any different from yours, except it’s hotter, because I’m involved.

The Why of Fry

Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money! Bender, I didn’t know you liked cooking. That’s so cute. You’ve killed me! Oh, you’ve killed me!

I Dated a Robot

You wouldn’t. Ask anyway! You guys go on without me! I’m going to go… look for more stuff to steal! Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems. And yet you haven’t said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you? For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist!

  1. But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop.
  2. You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites?
  3. Would you censor the Venus de Venus just because you can see her spewers?
  4. Dear God, they’ll be killed on our doorstep! And there’s no trash pickup until January 3rd.
  5. Fetal stemcells, aren’t those controversial?
Less Than Hero

I don’t ‘need’ to drink. I can quit anytime I want! Isn’t it true that you have been paid for your testimony? Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you! I meant ‘physically’. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually? And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who’s gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet.

Rebirth

Rebirth

Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun! And yet you haven’t said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you? This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.

Less Than Hero

Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography. But I’ve never been to the moon! As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead. You mean while I’m sleeping in it? I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness. Fry! Quit doing the right thing, you jerk!

  • Kids don’t turn rotten just from watching TV.
  • You don’t know how to do any of those.

The Series Has Landed

I’m just glad my fat, ugly mama isn’t alive to see this day. Bender, we’re trying our best. I don’t ‘need’ to drink. I can quit anytime I want! No! Don’t jump! Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.

Amazon Women in the Mood

Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died. Shut up and take my money! Isn’t it true that you have been paid for your testimony? Kids have names? Guards! Bring me the forms I need to fill out to have her taken away!

  1. Too much work. Let’s burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.
  2. Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.
  3. Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. Cruel though they may be…
Godfellas

Oh, but you can. But you may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil. And by “devil”, I mean Robot Devil. And by “metaphorically”, I mean get your coat. I videotape every customer that comes in here, so that I may blackmail them later. Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn’t you just get me the death penalty? Check it out, y’all. Everyone who was invited is here. Bender, I didn’t know you liked cooking. That’s so cute.